Saying goodbye

I have cried everyday since Sunday. I have maintained a mild headache for several days as well. And now that the memorials are over, I must start the healing process. I owe it to myself and my family... and Amber. But I can't help but think about her husband, Eric. I couldn't see the pastor during the service, but I had a clear view of "E" and I watched him ride an emotional roller coaster through the long, extremely difficult service. He didn't look in the eyes of the speakers. He just stared down at the floor. At times he would shake his head. At other times, he cried so hard he shook. And when the songs and eulogy were over and people lined up to give their sympathies - Susie and I made our way to the front. I wanted to hug him with all my strength and when I finally got my turn - I squeezed as hard I could and through our tears, I whispered, "I promise we (SneStinBaLas) will take care of you. I promise you that." We sobbed in each other's shoulders and while I am grateful for the chance to see him today, it was one of the hardest moments of my life.

Since the family had a private burial on Wednesday, our small group of friends decided to hold our own grave site service after the memorial. Seeing the freshly placed dirt is devastating. I have attended several funerals in my lifetime; the most recent in my family was when my grandaddy in Florida died when Kennedy was a baby. But somehow it's more difficult with a young person. My grandaddy lived more than 80 years. Amber only graced this earth for 25.

But I know God has a plan for everyone. My life's path dramatically changed when my father died when I was five. There's no doubt that Eric's life has dramatically changed now as well. But I have to believe that God has something amazing in store for E. I just know it.

Explaining death to children

It is our parental instinct to want to protect our children from any harm. But sometimes, as a parent, we owe our kids the truth - even if it hurts. Such is the case with Kennedy and telling her about Amber. She knew "Miss Amber" very well and knew she was sick. We did not hide that from her. She asked to see her when I would visit the hospital and she colored many get well cards, pictures, and posters for her. One night, unprompted, she prayed for "Miss Amber to get better at the doctor and Mr. Eric, too... because I love them."

I am a very emotional person and always have been. Always will be. So I knew that I would barely be able to speak through the tears to tell Kennedy about Amber. And Chris knew it would upset Kennedy more to see me sobbing and trying to explain what happened, so he bravely told her while I was driving back from Memphis Sunday.

Dad: "Kennedy, we need to talk about Miss Amber... She is gone and we won't be able to see her anymore."

Kennedy pouts and asks why.

Dad: "Because she went to be with Jesus. She is in Heaven now."

Kennedy: "She's with JESUS?"

Dad: "Yes, honey. Do you remember when we used to pass by the cemetery on the way to your old school?"

(Kennedy asked Chris what the place was that had all the "things" sticking out of the ground. He explained that it was a cemetery and that's where people are buried when they die, but their souls go to Heaven. I commend Chris for being honest because I probably would have made up a story to avoid talking about death.)

Kennedy: "Yes, I remember. That's where people go when they die."

Dad: "That's right. They are put in a box in the ground, but their souls go to Heaven."

Kennedy: "Daddy, how will Miss Amber's soul GET to Heaven? Oh wait... I know. She'll climb in the box and it will float up to Heaven and she'll get out and see Jesus!"

At this point, Chris agrees with her and leaves the room because he is overwhelmed with emotion. Children are resilient and understand more than we give them credit for. And Kennedy's interpretation of Amber's "ride" to Heaven was simply amazing.

Last night, we talked about it briefly and it was the first time I heard her talking about it since Chris gave her the news alone on Sunday. I don't want her to dwell on it, but it came up during dinner and I started crying. She was concerned about me and Chris reminded her that "Mommy will be sad for a little while because she misses Miss Amber."

Kennedy, being the bright little girl she is, said... "And Mr. Eric is sad, too."
We will all be sad for a while because a member of our SneStinBaLa (Sneed, Stinson, Sabala, LaPierre) family is gone. She was an amazing friend and I will never forget her.

Our friend Amber

It is with a heavy heart and extreme sadness that I write this post today. While I usually have no trouble at all finding words to write or say, I am at a loss now... over the loss of my friend.

Over the last four weeks, Amber fought so hard to conquer the Leukemia that consumed her body and while the first round of chemotherapy worked, the internal bleeding was too much for her body to handle. Yesterday morning, the internal bleeding went into her brain and there was too much damage for her to recover. Her sweet husband Eric removed her from life support and she slowly drifted to heaven, where we know she is in no more pain. But unfortunately for those of us left here on Earth, we are in a tremendous amount of pain thinking about how we will move on without our friend. We are especially hurting for her husband Eric who can't make sense of it all. The loss of a spouse is more than I can comprehend.

Susie and I got the news simultaneously from our husbands yesterday while we were driving back from Memphis. We were out of town for a girls weekend and the guys got together and decided it was best to call us at the same time and let us know. Unfortunately it was a 7 hour drive home and we did not make it to the hospital in time to say our goodbyes. But while I wish I had the chance to see her and hold her hand before her time had come, it could be a blessing from God that I will always remember her as a healthy and vibrant young woman who had a tremendous amount of faith, a passion for decorating, and a very strong desire to be a mother. I only wish she'd had that opportunity. She would have been an amazing mother.

So for those of us left here to figure out why this happened... we may never have an answer. But we must try to carry on with our lives and hold onto our friends and family a little tighter. I hugged and kissed Chris a little more when I got home from Memphis. I snuggled a little longer with my kids. And I know I appreciate my best friend more today than I ever have.

Half-marathon... oh my!

"Never say never."

I told my best friend Susie I would never run more than a 10K. I accomplished that goal last year just a few weeks after I found out I was pregnant. After that race, I had to stop running because I couldn't keep my heartrate at a safe rate for the baby.

So about three months after Brady was born, I started running again. I am only up to about four miles now (approaching 100 miles total since I started back), but........ I have gone and decided to become one of "those" runners.

Call me crazy, but I have signed up for the New Orleans Mardi Gras Half-Marathon on February 1. I am working the Hal Higdon Training Program, which is 12 weeks - exactly enough time between now and the race. If I'm going to do a half-marathon - why not do one that is fun and in one of the best cities in the world?

My only goal is to finish... no time goal at all. Just pure fun!

5 months old

Brady is five months old. He has grown so much since he was born. Here are the stats:
He weighs 17 pounds... just two pounds shy of his cousin, who turned one in August. He is a healthy baby!

He eats oatmeal with his dinnertime bottle and he is finally getting the hang of it. We hope to start veggies very soon!

He loves bright colors and music, playing in the exersaucer, and swinging in his swing (something we could never get Kennedy to enjoy).

He is grabbing at toys! He can't hold onto them for very long, but he likes reaching for bright colored toys.

He is ticklish on his tummy and laughs when you play with him in that sweet spot! That is the sweetest sound a mother could ever hear.

Kennedy or Brady?

Can you tell who is who? Which one is Kennedy and which one is Brady? These pictures were both taken when they were a few months old. Obviously I can tell the difference, but I keep hearing over and over again, "He looks SO much like Kennedy." Well I never realized how much until I started looking through pictures of Kennedy from when she was a baby. Four years ago may not seem like that long ago, but a lot has happened since then.... we've moved a few times (one of those times, we moved to a different state!). Chris and I both changed jobs. We built a house and had another baby.... so my memory isn't the best! I'm doing good to get matching clothes on in the morning! So if you haven't figured out who it is yet... I'll tell you. Kennedy is the one wearing the hat.

My husband

I am married to the most amazing man. He is absolutely my rock and I am blessed to be his wife and the mother of his two children.
I am not the easiest person to live with. I can be demanding, picky, opinionated... you get the picture. But Chris just goes with the flow, no matter what hair brained idea I come up with. Last night, I was extremely emotional from a combination of things: exhaustion (as I usually am by Thursday evenings) and some events of the week. After ballet, I dropped off Kennedy (Chris had already picked up Brady) and fled to an evening event I needed to attend. Neither of the kids had been fed or bathed. I had no plans for dinner. I just kissed him goodbye and took off.

When I got home, both kids and Chris had eaten dinner. Both kids had been bathed and were in bed. The kitchen was cleaned and Brady's bottles were made for the night. I did not have to leave a list of "things to do" for the evening routine. I did not have to walk Chris through some dinner ideas. He put on his Mr. Mom hat and ran the evening circus, like I often do when he is out of town. No complaints from him... he just did it.

This afternoon, Chris is going to pick up Kennedy and take her on, what I call, a "Daddy-Daughter Date." She has NO idea he is doing this... he's going to surprise her. He is picking her up from school and taking her to see Madagascar 2 at the movie theater. As much as I want to see this movie (I love animated kid movies), I think it's more important for Kennedy to get to see it with her daddy.
I am one of the few women in this world who has a husband like this. I don't tell him enough how much I appreciate him, but I truly do. He is never one to sit around and watch me clean, cook, etc. He always steps in and helps. I think we make a great team and I am blessed that God led me to Maine to meet and fall in love with him.